Things we think about when sandwiched on a train

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How to not stare at the person in front of you (and they do not think you are mad)

Now you may think that this is easy, most of us are able pull out some technical device to save us from a fate worse than death. I am here to tell you, it is in fact not.

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There are certain scenarios that can arise where you are unable to get to your technical distractions. For instance when squashed in between Tom, Dick, and Jermaine, with no possible way out (believe me I have checked) where can you look? How do you decide on what inanimate object to focus on? How do you avoid eye contact?

I have spent many a journey in a blind panic, just so I didn’t have to stare at ‘Mr pressed suit dude’ for more than a minute.   In addition to this, I have taught myself through deep meditation and extreme willpower, to not let my eyes deviate to fellow passengers reading material. The person next to you is usually reading page 3 (The UK boobies page), which you have no intention of looking at in the morning as it will only leave you feeling inadequate and depressed. The only way to combat this is to focus on the girl in front of you and her elaborate hairdo, which leads me nicely to my next point.

Searching for a unique focal point or (UFP)

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Now that you have found your unique focal point or UFP it is time to basically stare at it. The more elaborate the hairdo the better, we have all done it, we have stared. We have scrutinised every wave, hairpin, or glue. In addition to this, we have subconsciously congratulated or poo-pooed her efforts. I know that on occasion I have found myself wondering how the hairstyle would look on my own head and even recommended a new hairdresser to the woman telepathically. I remember feeling a tinge of sadness as the lady left her seat in order to depart from the train. I had invested 10 to 20 minutes of my time, nurturing, staring, even helping to grown her locks and now with not even a glance back she is gone…b***h!

What are you cooking for dinner?

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It has been a long day, somehow you have managed to get lodged between Tom and Dick again (!) and you are hungry. Your mind floats to your stomach and food. Some B****rd has walked on the train with KFC and you are thinking of killing them and their food. As your train starts and stops at red signals you decide upon making a gourmet meal. You are by no means implying that you are Jaime Oliver, however through boredom and being jammed into “smelly guys’ armpit you have managed to complete, Starters, Mains, and Dessert.

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*Disclaimer lets face it you won’t manage to complete the meal. Once off the train you will head straight into your local fried chicken shop, and you will enjoy it *Why

Why is this child staring at me?

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This is a thought that many of us have had.   A child, usually under the age of seven stares at you intently. As far as I am concerned, there is a reason why small children are used in horror films, they are scary.

It has happened to the best of us. A child on a train (or another mode of transport) can render the most secure individual into an insecure gibbering wreck. Questions will arise in your mind whilst the child’s stare penetrates your soul and pulls out your lungs.

Do I have food on my face?

What is this child looking at?

Has the child seen that I am beginning to cry?

Should I stare back?

Will the child cry if I stare back?

Has it seen my bottom lip trembling?

When will it get off the train?

Why is it still staring?

Believe me, it has happened to me often. I am not ashamed to say this but it can be one of the most unnerving experiences.

Finally, you make it off the train, bounding off with a new lease of life. Only to start the ordeal all over again the next morning……Can’t wait

Peace out x

 

 

 

 

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