I shall not want

The lord is my Shepard I lack nothing , He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.

I  had days where money was scarce. A few years back I was going through turbulent legal battles and money was a myth. I was spending all I had to untangle myself from an insidious experience, whilst trying to remain unscathed, poised, and put together. 

My insides resembled cut glass my outsides, a smiling wreck.  In the beginning things were ok, but after nearly a decade of paying family courts with your worldly goods, and offering your pound of flesh to those that were willing to take… things finally took it’s toll. I spent many evenings figuring out how I would pay for lawyers, bills, childcare, food, as well as all the basics of life.  I had to clothe and feed a small child, and still look after a fragile me.

I dragged myself to church every other week…dishevelled.  My mental health was in turmoil and full of absolute regret . I needed to be in God’s presence, even if it was for the final  ‘amen’ As usual I would get the unsolicited comments of “your late” or “what time do you call this”. Fighting the urge to scream, instead I would smile and mumble some poor excuse.

It started to become computer game to me. I was the gallant knight (My GEN Xers’s should remember ghosts and goblins) trying to get up the church steps whilst holding my son’s hand. I had to get to my seat before I was hit with unsolicited questions. One hit of a question would cost me ten points, Someone asking how I was? loose fifty points or  loose a life… or maybe they would loose theirs.

I would have to lie or pretend to be upbeat which would cost energy. I just needed to just be within the church walls. I was desparate to know if  God had heard my silent cries, and  my whispered prayers, had he noticed  my cracked smile and bloodshot eyes from sleepless nights or was I wasting my time with church and God.

I listened intently to the sermons or just sit in silence pleading for some sort of breakthrough. I mean how could God really hear my prayers? my insignificant requests? the same prayers that lasted a minute because I would be distracted by the phone, or a child’s cry.

How in this earth would God be able to hear me through all the din of everyone else’s  desperate pleas? Everyone else’s pain and injury?

I found one day my answered prayers came  in the guise of Angels. The Angels came in the guise of people.

Bar a few special sisters and brothers at church. most of these angels were without religion. Most of my Angeles didn’t know anything about church or chose not to…imagine that? My angels were the same people who I have been told were unbelievers, or the ones that didn’t follow the God I did.

Imagine I lacked nothing because of those non believing angels, people who I had been told to keep away from, the ones who didn’t take the rules seriously and moved to their own beat. Imagine, the deepest, most meaningful and stupidly silly conversations were with ‘the dammed’. Everyday I was contacted by those very same Angels whom would probably  hate me calling them Angels, but that’s what they were..Angels… I truly believe that.  

After the longest night, I finally saw the sun. After the longest decade a new era had won. The bills, one by one were paid. I started a new chapter, and my soul felt at peace. God had led me beside still waters and restored my cold and tired soul. She had taught me resilience, to trust her, in all things. My bed was my green pasture, she truly restored my soul.

“Even though I walk through the darkest Valley. I will fear no evil, you are with me your rod and staff they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil my cup overflows”

What powerful words. I remember when I was young and I read those words it would make me shudder in fear. The bible had everything within its contents. Murder, Love, Birth, life, happiness, sorrow and victory to name but a few. Who would of thought it was also a horror story. Even though I walk through the darkest Valley… 

In my younger years I watched a lot of  horror films, I loved them,  the scarier the better. I enjoyed that the suspense was over, I turned off and went back to my safe life.

My experience a few years back became a never ending horror story. I was unable to turn off the TV, the credits never rolled, and there was no protagonist coming to rescue me.

Not until I started to read the Bible more and Psalms 23 became the chapter to which I sought solace. I would liken my experience to walking through a long and never ending dark wood, twisted trees snarling at me. The Dark shadows lurking waiting to jump out, and the ones I considered enemies trying to snuff me out. I would remember this part of the verse where God would walk alongside me. I would recite it over and over, as I walked into every courtroom, every time I was screamed at, or a phone flung down at me all because I disagreed over parenting techniques .

Every mediation meeting, every Child support Agency letter stating you will be receiving no funds signed with a ‘F You’.

I would recite Psalms 23 I would recite.

I knew God was with me, I can’t explain it but as I look back, he was there. Through the darkest of times, she was definitely there.

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever”

The final part of Psalms 23 is full of triumph.

My table was well and truly prepared in front of my enemies. This is not to gloat, but situations that were supposed to destroy me, the little nasty potholes placed for me to fall in, please believe God cemented them over with my enemies tears. A table was truly prepared full of victory.

At age 19 I chose Psalms 23 as my verse to be baptised to. The chapter was chosen because it sounded ok for the occasion. I am now a testament, my victory song. Doors opened.

My table was being prepared and I was here for it. I was sitting, eating and drinking whilst everything flew around about my head. I ate figurativley for the first time, and God was the chef.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen